I have lived in Nova Scotia my entire life. Meaning I am never far from the ocean. The only problem is I don’t actually like going to the beach. In my teens and early twenties I forced myself to go spurred by the dream of meeting a beech babe, and living out the opening scene of Grease.

That never happened mind you.

Instead all I ended up with was sunburns and sand everywhere. By the time I hit my mid twenties I as pretty much done with the beach. I was past the age where I felt like pretending I liked Frisbee, and I accepted that I was not going to find true love sprawled out on a towel.

But then I got married and had children. My wife LOVES going to the beach. My children are starting to enjoy it as well. Apparently I am the only non-beach bum in the family. I know I won’t win the battle to not go to the beach on a sunny day, and I am vaguely aware it is a battle that I shouldn’t fight.

Never the less here are the reasons I don’t like going to the beach;

1. Sea Monsters– Even at the age of 30 I still think that every piece of seaweed the brushes against my leg is a sea monster ready to latch on and devour me whole. It is a little embarrassing for me when I yelp louder than our two your old daughter every time a piece of kelp floats by.

2. Actual Sea Creatures– Even if I don’t get attacked by a Kraken it is not like the ocean is creature free. During our last trip to the beach there were crabs everywhere. With every step I took I was more and more sure one of those bad boys was going to clip off one of my toes. Also I am pretty sure when I moved a rock I saw an eel swim away.

3. Sand In My Food– What is better than I picnic at the beach? A picnic anywhere else. Fun fact did you know apples covered in cinnamon and sugar are indistinguishable from apples covered in cinnamon, sugar and sand. This is also true for salted peanuts.

4. Sand EVERYWHERE Else– I just don’t understand this. I always sit on blankets and towels, I wear swim shirts, and I try to keep my shorts well tied.  And yet every drive home feels like I am sitting on sand paper!

5. The Beach Is Too Big– We have three children. So far The beach is the only place I have ever really felt out numbered. It is soooo hard keeping my eye on everyone. There is so much space to spread out so and so many people around. Every time we have gone to the beach this year Ariella has managed to wander off. This is both terrifying and frustrating.

6. The Sun Is Too Hot– I don’t like being out in the hot and unrelenting sun. When Meghan and I went on our honeymoon to the Dominican Republic I was able to find a nice leafy palm tree on the beach to hide under. In Nova Scotia other than the water and the aforementioned creatures beaches have only four things; sand, rocks, grass, and wind. None of these produce shade. The wind even makes it difficult to set up your own. During our last trip our shade tent blew over twice before we packed it up and I watched two umbrellas blow around the beach.

7. The Water Is Too Salty– Oh sure those waves are all fun in games until one of them slaps you in the face. There is no way to look cool in front of your children sputtering and gagging because you took a nice big drink of the oceans finest.

I really don’t like the beach. But still I will go. During our last trip Ariella got so tired that she feel asleep. Now this seems like a fun activity to do at the beach.