i have been feeling off lately. Maybe it goes back a bit further than lately. I may have been feeling this way for the better part of the year. The last few weeks just feel like they have been heavier some how. I think it is because my birthday is on the horizon again.
Last November I turned 30. Moving out of my 20’s felt a little weird. I expected as much. It felt weird to move out of my teens, so why not my 20’s? But this has been different. It is like I suddenly felt the weight to be more accomplished than I currently am. As the year has gone by I have been feeling that weight more and more.
I don’t feel like I sat around twiddling my thumbs from 20-29. During my 20’s I earned two university degrees, got married, entered into my career of choice, and had three children. That doesn’t seem too shabby unless I look at what other people have managed to accomplish by age 30. I mean look at this;
Mark Twain published his first short story, “Jim Smiley and His Jumping Frog.”
Danish novelist Hans Christian Andersen published his book of fairy tales.
Donald Trump persuaded bankers to lend him $80 million so he could buy the Commodore Hotel.
Alfred Lewis Vail devised Morse code.
Physicist Armand H. L. Fizeau measured the speed of light.
Dr. Narinder Kapany invented fiber optics and designed a glass gastroscope.
Bill Gates was the first person ever to become a billionaire by age 30.
When you look at this list it is a little hard to compare; ‘I finished my undergrad’ to ‘I made a billion dollars’. I don’t actually want a billion dollars, not that I would turn it down if anyone offered it. But I do want to feel like I am accomplishing something big. I want to leave a mark on the world. I want to be awesome. Because of that I find I am often comparing myself to other people to see how I measure up.
That is my problem right there. I keep comparing myself to other people. When I compare myself to others often I don’t feel like I measure up;
I am not an athletic guy
I am not a ‘cool dad’ who surfs, or drives a race car or is always (or ever) fashionable
I have not been able to write a runaway viral blog
I haven’t been able to buy our own home
People do not line up to hear me speak
Most of my ministry ideas have flopped, and those that haven’t have only had minor success
I KNOW that I shouldn’t compare myself to others. But I also know I want to be awesome. In Christian circles this desire would be seen as a symptom of pride. And maybe it is. Maybe that is what holds me back. I don’t know. I don’t have any real answers today, just questions. And just the weight of wanting to be awesome.
Let me ask you. Are you where you expected to be this this point in your life? Have you achieved your goals and dreams? Have you become the awesome person that you want to be?
If not how do you deal with wanting to be awesome?