The Anti-Sleep Society

I am told that the average person spends about 33% of their life asleep. I remember the first time I heard that fact; I thought it sounded like too much time. Having 1/3 of your life was dedicated to sleep, 1/3 of your life simply evaporate away seemed unfair. Well thankfully my three children have risen up and are seeking to overthrow the tearney of sleep. I think they hold secret meetings everyday to review their plan.

Now obviously I have never been privy to these meetings, but I think they go something like this;

My Children’s Secret Anti-Sleep Society Meeting

Ariella– I call tonight’s meeting to order. Let’s review. Asher, I am concerned with how your sleep training is going. About half the nights this week you have fallen asleep by 7:30. Your other nights have been strong. You have had good solid awake time from 7-9:30.

Asher– I am trying, but the sleepy music, and the comfy blanket are getting to me.

Ariella I know, they did it to us too, you have to stay strong.

Asher– I will try

Ariella– Ok. Now Simeon good work on all the bathroom trips. You are back up to two or so a night . Also nice job on leaving the bathroom light on and our door open. That normally wakes me up too. We are stronger together!

Simeon– I am here to help.

AriellaThe only issue is you fall asleep so quickly now. It seems I have to work hard to keep us both up.

Simeon– I know, I know. I think it is all the stuff I have to do at school. If it wasn’t for you I would be asleep by 7 every night!

Ariella– I understand. We need to try to get Mommy and Daddy to give us dessert more often. A little cake, or cookies before bed always perks us up.

Simeon– Good idea.

Ariella– Ok here are tonight’s assignments. Asher your awake time is from 7-9, 10 if you can manage it. Stick to the basics. Cry relentlessly when they put you in bed and smile and babble whenever they pick you up. Also if you could swing a 2am 30 minute cry that would be great.

AsherNo problem you can count on me.

Ariella– Simeon we are going to try to stay up until at least 8. I am planning on kicking off my blankets a lot, constantly asking for water and getting toys in my bed. You should get up to pee, then get up to poop, then try to sneak a DS into your bed. You should know if things start to get desperate I am planning on hitting you in the head with various objects I find in the room.

Simeon– ummm, ok?

Ariella– Don’t forget you are the only person who can reach the light switch, try to make sure it stays on as often as you can. Also I have you scheduled for a 4am bathroom trip. You can either wake up Mommy and Daddy to tell them you have to pee before you go and pee, or after you pee you can go out into the living room to play, your call. 

Simeon– I haven’t done the living room thing for awhile. Maybe I will try that, Mommy has been leaving her 3DS laying around lately. 

Ariella– Ok good idea. As for me I am planning on waking up at 3, 5:00 and 6:00. Each time I will walk quietly into Mommy and Daddy’s room until Daddy wakes up. You should know my goal is to stay up at 6:00 and if possible wake everyone else up too.

Simeon/Asher– Ok!

Ariella– Any questions?


Ariella– Good, you all have your instructions, good luck and have a good night. Meeting adjourned.

Before this week is through either I am going to; renege on my one coffee a day rule, find ample power nap space, or curl up into a ball and cry. I know I should be grateful that my children are working so hard to make sure I don’t waste a 1/3 of my life asleep. But now all I have is daydreams of one night of uninterrupted sleep. I am sure there must be some weekend conference in some other city I can go too. Right,right?!

The Anti-Sleep Society

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